


VACANT

by hellionbaby (reketrebn)



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Aoi/Kazuki (side), Aoiha - Freeform, Drama, M/M, POV Third Person, Ruki is so done with them all, Uruha POV, Uruha breaks hearts, Uruha is a homewrecker, Uruha thinks a lot about Aoi, a lot of unspoken words, drunken kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-23 14:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10721244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reketrebn/pseuds/hellionbaby
Summary: Most people think he's not watching; that he's not a perceptive person. Well, he might not be most of the time, because reality simply cannot compare to what's inside his head, but he does see what's important.They are not perfect, none of them, they are only humans after all. Perfection is a very relative thing and nature certainly excluded humans from that trait. But still, Uruha is sure that personal priorities can sometimes allow us to see the perfection in humanity. Or at least in one person.He definitely sees it in Aoi.And yeah, that's probably about it. It's really simple in the end. There are no fireworks or angels singing, just a pragmatic conclusion leading him to the fact that his bandmate is worth his heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short fic only around 1-3k words. Nope, it turned into a monster and now I need to divide it into 3 parts. So don't worry, most of it is written out and I have it all planned!  
> Uruha here just thinks a lot and tends to stay in his head.. but I bet we can all relate to him when it comes to Aoi XD.  
> I'm sorry I didn't include more the other members and Kazuki is kinda on the side but even Uru's mind alone was exhausting to grasp :/
> 
> So here it is, please enjoy and give them all imaginary hugs!
> 
> Huge thanks to my beta Jess!♥

 

 

 

 

Uruha pushes up his glasses a bit as he switches effects on his pedals. He thinks about at least ten things at once right now and some more. The show is in few days and anything can go wrong. Ruki's voice prompts them all to get into the next song; he pulls at the guitar strap and turns around to start the intro. It's really like magic – when the music starts – and he instantly feels the synchronicity and perfection. He hears the second guitar joining him and his heart picks up the beat just like always. He can't help it; his body reacts on its own before his brain can even register it.

 

******

 

The rehearsal ends much later than they expected, but it's still not that late. They pack up for the day as staff members flood the space to help and discuss some technicalities. Uruha, for a moment, forgets he wanted to speak with his fellow guitarist. He engages in a discussion with his own technician and loses track of time for a while.

The next time he looks up and remembers what he wanted to ask Aoi, there is already someone else talking to him and the words die on Uruha's lips...

It's Kazuki, of course it's Kazuki.  Lately he's around Aoi almost all the time. Uruha is not jealous, he's really not. He's not the type for it. There's not even a reason for him to be.

He just observes the two of them silently. The way the younger guitarist is smitten with the older one, it's very much obvious from the way Kazuki looks at him. And how much Aoi is flattered by it, how happy and loved he feels. Uruha is not jealous, he's actually accepted it and wishes all the best for Aoi.

He tries to ignore the way his chest constricts when he watches them leaving the rehearsal room, subtly brushing their shoulders together and laughing.

 

******

 

The neon lights are bright in his eyes, almost blinding. It's a rainbow of white, pink, green and blue. But even between this myriad of colors and crowds of people on the streets, he is still able to distinguish his bandmate's laugh. He turns his head in the direction of the sound and he can see the bright smile on Aoi's face. They are walking with Kazuki at the front of their group, his arm around the younger man's middle. No one is really paying attention to them as everyone is pretty trashed and they're yelling over each other about stupid shit.

But Uruha suddenly can't take his eyes off of the pair at the front. He wishes.. he doesn't really know what he wishes for exactly. But he feels warmth inside his heart when he sees the genuine happiness in Aoi's smile. He wants to see it like this all the time.

After two more streets, their group stops as people start discussing changing directions and arguing lightheartedly about it. It's a bit chaotic and Uruha loses sight of Aoi for a moment. He doesn't know why he needs to know where he is, but he's also too drunk to search in his mind for any kind of explanation.

Then he turns around and almost doesn't see them at first. They're hidden behind the corner of the street and he sees only the back of Aoi's leather jacket. But as he steps around Kai and Shou – who are animatedly arguing about something – he finally gets the full picture. Aoi is being pulled by Kazuki by the lapels of his jacket and they start kissing. No one is on that side street now, but if someone came in, Uruha feels like he'd immediately stop that person only to protect the couple.

Uruha doesn't feel anything right now though. He expected to feel some kind of reaction but.. he's just entranced. Mostly by Aoi. Yet again. By the way Kazuki takes his chin gently and angles his head the way he wants it, how Aoi is letting him lead the kiss and tangles his hands inside his boyfriend's jacket. It's such a tender scene. But it takes only a moment before the kiss gets heated and only then Uruha feels like he should tear his gaze away.

There is still this numb feeling filling his body, but despite that he can still feel the heat in his cheeks. Although it's hard to determine the cause of it...

Soon after that their group decides to split, and Aoi excuses him and Kazuki from further partying. Everyone says their goodbyes and Uruha turns after them with a small wave and a faint smile.

He probably feels pretty hollow too, when he thinks about it.. as if his heart took a vacation for a night.

 

 

******

 

He's packing his things after a meeting when he suddenly realizes it. It just dawns on him while puts his Mac into its bag. They haven't hung out together for months – him and Aoi – maybe even longer. And working sessions don’t even count because they only talk work and music and a thousand other technicalities. They barely even look at each other, much less ask about their personal lives or wellbeing.

Uruha feels a sudden urge to invite Aoi for a drink. He closes the laptop bag and looks over the oval table to where their guitarist usually sits. But just as he takes a breath to begin a sentence, he exhales it too, because Aoi is already on the phone and promising to be somewhere in an hour. And judging by the smile that's tugging at the corner of his full lips, Uruha is pretty sure he knows who Aoi is talking to...

Uruha wonders if Aoi is avoiding him, or is he just too busy with his personal life now? He has a feeling it's the former but it's not like he can outright ask Aoi about it.. He'll try next time then.

 

******

 

Uruha is pretty sure by now that Aoi is avoiding him.

It's ridiculous because why on earth would Aoi do that?! But again, this is their impulsive, hot-headed and emotional guitarist. Of course he can act like this too. People around them are also starting to notice, especially their ever-so-perceptive vocalist.

"He's avoiding you~" The singer states the obvious and dares to accompany it with a singsong tone too.

"You don't say," Uruha responds with a dry tone and tries to ignore Ruki as pointedly as he can, while still working on something on his MAC.

"You two should really get your shit together and soon." He points one ringed finger at Uruha. "The recording for the new album will start in no time and I don't want any awkward tension in the studio then. You know well how fucking annoying that is." Ruki wiggles the finger for good measure too, before he puts his sunglasses on and leaves the meeting room. Uruha just sighs and after a moment takes his glasses off and rubs the bridge of his nose.

He already tried telling everybody that he has done _nothing_ wrong! That he doesn't know why Aoi is being like this and what's going on. Whenever he tried to ask him about the matter, Aoi diverted the topic or just shrugged and let it go without an answer. Uruha didn't try to push him, that often doesn't end well anyway.

Now it's only a matter of time before this escalates and he knows it. Their band fought many times over stupid shit over the years, they even got famous for it in PSC. And Aoi is known for his temper and destroying meeting rooms, holding people by their necks and things like that... But somehow the silence now is even worse than any fight.

Uruha sighs again and rubs his tired eyes. This won't be easy.

 

******

 

It's two days before recording, and since everyone is buzzing with nerves and stress, they decide to go for a drink. Impulsive decisions like that are completely normal for them. And since Ruki doesn't drink, he demands that they go eat some food too.

It feels strangely nostalgic and familiar at the same time. It's just the five of them, wandering the streets and entering a restaurant. Ruki is laughing, Reita's boisterous voice joins him and Kai is trying to control the situation. And Aoi.. Aoi is silently giggling next to Uruha and his eyes are happily crinkling in the corners. Uruha remembers him just like that but way younger and even more delicate. He used to wonder how such a gentle person is able to go through life with so much force.

He's pulled back from his thoughts by Aoi tugging at his sleeve and urging him to come in and sit down. Even this small interaction suddenly sparks some kind of hope in Uruha. It feels like an eternity since Aoi talked to him or touched him outside of work. Maybe tonight they can finally be friends again?

He sits down next to Aoi in the booth and he suddenly finds himself unable to keep his eyes off of their guitarist. But after a minute he forces himself to look away after all; he opens the menu and tries to read it but it's all jumbled in front of his eyes anyway, so he just gives up. His thoughts are a mess right now. He lets Ruki order him whatever and just asks for a glass of wine.

He really needs those drinks tonight.

 

Ruki excuses himself first – he needs to take care of the dog and stuff. Kai needs sleep and it takes him over half an hour to get home. And this leaves the three of them alone in the half-empty restaurant. Uruha isn't even tipsy yet, but he tries to relax as much as he can. Ruki made sure to give him a meaningful glare before he left. And now Uruha is left staring into his wine glass and debating his options, while Reita and Aoi are engaged in a heated discussion over something.

He doesn't even know where to start or how to fix this uncomfortable tension between him and Aoi. It's hard to bring it up or even do anything about it in one evening and there are only two days left until they'll be all coped up in the studio.

"Wake up, Shima!" Reita suddenly snaps his fingers in front of Uruha's nose, and it makes up look up at his friend quickly. He doesn't even notice the old nickname Reita used.

"I asked you if you wanna go to a bar down the street with us," Reita chuckles and repeats the question he's been obviously trying to ask while Uruha was too busy staring into the oblivion.

"Uh.." He looks at Aoi briefly to see if he's really gonna go too and then nods and shrugs. "Sure, why not." He then proceeds to down the rest of his glass.

 

 

And that's how he and Aoi later end up alone in the bar, drunk and with Aoi crying into Uruha's shoulder.

Uruha doesn't mind, he's too drunk to mind, but it's ripping his heart into pieces to see Aoi like this – so emotional, vulnerable and stressed. He doesn't really know how to help but he hugs him even tighter anyway and just slightly rubs his back.

Is this how he was supposed to fix them? He doesn't think so...

Aoi talked about work mostly, nothing too personal besides his worries for the songs and how it all will go. Uruha has no clue as to why he's avoiding him, or if it's over now that they're talking like this. Uruha has seen Aoi like this many times, even the slightest thing can tip him off when he's drunk and the tears start flowing. But still.. no answers to Uruha's questions about their friendship.

The bar is not a dump and not exactly a high-end business either, but they receive a few glances anyway. Uruha decides with his alcohol-muddled brain that he wants to keep comforting Aoi, but in private if possible. He gathers his friend, pays for their last drinks and drags them outside into the chilly air.

It probably wasn't the smartest choice on Uruha's part to stay alone with Aoi in their state. But he does it anyway and it leads to even more bad decisions afterwards...

 

******

 

Uruha wakes up from a full bladder and the sun glaring in his face. He tries to move but a dead weight prevents him from doing so. His body freezes for a moment and then he opens his eyes very slowly. A mop of dark hair is lying on top of his chest and a pair of arms are hugging him around the middle, as if he was an overgrown teddy bear.

He stares in confusion, then tries to backtrack in his memory what could've possibly led to this situation. But the thing is.. he doesn't remember how this happened. He only knows that they managed to stumble home and then they cracked some bottle of whiskey from Uruha's stash.

Uruha feels too hungover now to panic, so instead he tries to inspect the situation. They are not completely naked from what he can see, so sex is thankfully out of the question. But judging from the fact that they're both in his bed, something probably did happen..

He manages to untangle himself from the still-sleeping Aoi and get up to the bathroom. He takes a shower right away, to clear his head a bit and to wake up. But as it does just that, he suddenly gets a flash of memory of a half naked chest and heavy lidded eyes... _and a slow smirk on full lips._

He leaves the shower with a dreadful feeling in his stomach that's not entirely caused by the alcohol. In the kitchen he starts on the coffee, toweling his hair slowly while he waits.

_...Uruha doesn't even know who started the kiss, it doesn't really matter, but they are kissing and hard. It's sloppy, messy and uncoordinated and so, so wonderful. It's so much like Aoi, so wild and emotional..._

Uruha freezes mid-motion...

_...his hands tangle in Aoi's dark hair first, then slide to his jaw and neck, and from there it's an easy path right down to hell. The guitarist's chest and stomach feel like warm marble underneath Uruha's fingers. He's not shy in touching him, he's more than little curious and wants to learn every dip and curve of that body. He feels the hitch of Aoi's breath down to his toes when his fingers brush a dark nipple. He's so pliant and sensitive in Uruha's hands.. he never thought it would be like this.._

Uruha presses his face into the towel and tries not to scream.

FUCK!

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!!” He whines quietly into the crumpled fabric and then slowly exhales. He throws the towel away angrily and rubs his face in frustration. What if Aoi remembers? Or what if he doesn't? Which is worse really? How is he going to face him now?!

But what Uruha knows for certain is that it shouldn't have happened at all. Not only they are colleagues, but Aoi has a boyfriend and who is Uruha to interfere into this?!

"Mo'nin'.." A low voice mumbles behind him and Uruha almost jumps three feet high off the stool. He's greeted with a sight of very hungover, very sleepy and really very cute Aoi. He's wearing only a pair of black boxers and his hair sticks out in all directions.

_... fumbling with their clothing...Uruha feels warm fingers on his stomach and back, he gasps into Aoi's lips and their kiss deepens..._

Uruha blinks once, twice.. then just clears his throat.

"Morning.. want coffee?" He doesn't know what else to ask really. What is there to ask?!

Certainly not about last night. Not now. Or maybe ever.

"Sure, thanks. Can I use your shower?" Aoi yawns into his palm and looks still half asleep. Uruha hums in agreement and tries to tear his eyes off the amount of bare skin he's presented with. Because holy hell.. what a sight for sore eyes that is.

Uruha pours himself some coffee then and stares into the dark liquid, wishing to drown in it.

 

_..even if Aoi is drunk and tired, he's still pretty skilled even in the simplest details. He bites and sucks lightly on Uruha's upper lip, licks into his mouth like he tastes the most delicious chocolate, and keeps humming low with approval. He's basically vibrating with pleasure under Uruha's hands and they're still only kissing. Or maybe it's just the fact that Uruha wants him too much right now and every little thing feels like a miracle..._

Fuck.

When Aoi finally emerges from the shower, clad in pants and a shirt, he looks way more awake. Uruha's brain is already riddled with enough memories that he doesn't even dare to speak. So he just silently pushes the mug of coffee to Aoi and doesn't even look him in the eye. He's a coward, he knows that, but he feels so damn guilty about all of it.

They sit in silence for a while at the kitchen island; the sun is filtering through the blinds and on the floor and Uruha can feel Aoi's stare on his face. The recording starts tomorrow morning, and he probably made it all worse. How is he going to deal with all this?

A light touch on his cheekbone wakes him up from his thoughts and he lifts his gaze to Aoi's eyes. They are clear of sleep now, watching him with a strange expression Uruha can't really decipher. The dusting of freckles on his nose and cheeks is so endearing Uruha has to physically stop himself from kissing them. Aoi's dark hair is still wet from the shower, tucked back behind his ears, and he looks just as wrecked as Uruha feels. And even despite that, he's still one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.

Aoi slowly lowers the hand that touched Uruha's face and a light smile tugs on the corner of his lips. There are obviously things both of them want to say or maybe even _should_ say.. but neither of them do. Aoi looks at him for a moment longer, and then with a last sip of his coffee he gets up to leave.

"Thanks for the coffee and for letting me sleep here." His tone is neutral as he gathers his jacket and the rest of his clothes from the couch and pulls them on. Probably too neutral. Uruha tracks his every move with his eyes; he's not able to look away anymore. When Aoi finishes dressing, he turns around again and freezes mid-motion; he obviously struggles with something for a second, but in the end he just looks down instead and breathes out slowly.

"See you tomorrow morning then?" That slight smile is still playing on those full lips, but somehow Uruha can tell it's fake. Their eyes don't meet again and Aoi is already at the door.

"Yeah.. see you tomorrow." Uruha realizes he's been silent this whole time and blames it on his slow brain. He quickly jumps off the stool and follows Aoi with sudden urgency.

He watches him put on his shoes. The words are itching on his tongue. He wants to stop him, to ask him so many things about last night, to maybe hear him say out loud that it really happened.

But he doesn't.

And before he knows it, Aoi is out of the door with a small wave and that fake smile still plastered on his lips like a mask.

Fuck, again.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand we get deeper into the drama and angst. I'm so sorry.

 

 

 

The recording starts as planned. Of course it does. And of course, the atmosphere between the two guitarists is a little bit tense. Well, maybe a bit more than just a little. Uruha feels guilty for that night, and he's also not sure how much Aoi actually remembers. And the more days go by that they don't talk about it, the more it eats at him.

Ruki doesn't even comment on it anymore, just gives him pointed stares whenever Aoi is not looking. And all of it quickly evolves again into a tense atmosphere anyway.

Uruha really should've said something that morning. He should've at least acknowledged that something happened between them and not act like a complete weirdo.

Even though Aoi is not avoiding him so obviously now, he still manages to disappear as soon as possible from every situation that involves them being alone in a room. So at some point, Uruha just gives up because his mind is not strong enough to sustain all of this anymore; stress and worry and Aoi himself.

Maybe if he ignores it, it will eventually go away.

 

*****

 

Uruha starts watching Aoi.

Or it's maybe closer to staring, really. In fact, he always did in one way or another. On stage, in the studio, in a bar or at Aoi's home. He realizes that he's probably always been fascinated by Aoi's beauty, even though he just refused to think about it too much.

Aoi is checking the equipment of his guitar – he plays few chords and repeats the process until he's satisfied. Uruha looks at the way his long eyelashes cast shadows over his prominent cheekbones, how the broad line of his shoulders is strung up with tension and how his gentle fingers are running up and down swiftly over the frets. He looks at the way Aoi's dark hair falls from behind his ear and remembers faintly what it was like to run his fingers through it.

It's been a week since that drunken night and they haven't uttered a word about it. Maybe it's for the best. Aoi still has a boyfriend and Uruha is still not entirely sure what all of this means.

Uruha closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again, Aoi is looking at him.

And there it is—a flicker of something in that dark stare—and it's instantly gone.

Aoi looks away again, and Uruha is left with a tingling feeling all over his back.

 

******

 

 

Uruha wakes up in into the darkness of his bedroom with a start. He's breathless and drenched in sweat and hard as a rock. He can still almost feel Aoi's lips on his cock and his hand is gripping the covers instead of dark locks.

He feels so pathetic it's not even funny.

He contemplates his options for a few minutes and when it's obvious his erection isn't going anywhere, he gets up and goes to take a shower.

After the shower and some more dirty thoughts about his bandmate, he makes himself tea and cradles his guitar in the dark living room. He still remembers that morning those few weeks ago; the way the light from the window caressed Aoi's tan skin and made his eyes glint with gold.

Uruha spends the night playing his guitar until the warm sun comes up. Then he gets up and leaves for the studio and into the much colder reality.

 

******

 

The dreams become more frequent. They alter between erotic (that sometimes wander into pretty hardcore territories) and downright disgustingly romantic ones. Uruha is not sure which is worse because he's either left with a raging hard on or pain in his chest. Both of them are just ridiculous. He should get a better grip on himself. He's not a teenager anymore.

Besides, this is Aoi: his colleague and a friend! He has no right to treat him as some filthy fantasy. He should put an end to this and focus more on their work. They're in the middle of recording and that's always more important than anything else.

So instead of sleep, Uruha fills his nights with compositions and the sounds of his guitar. He basically tries to clear his head from all the plaguing thoughts about Aoi and replace them with music. It works quite well to a degree; there is a lot of pain and anger accumulated in him that needs to be let out. And the compositions are good – they are rich and complex and he might even present some of them for this release.

But still, whenever he sees Aoi again, he feels an itch that leaves him hungry and unsatisfied.

 Uruha needs and wants, and sometimes even yearns. But he never reaches out and rather keeps it to himself.

 

******

 

Working on a composition leads them all to Aoi's place – it has the best equipment and space for that – and all of them are piled up either his black couch or the armchairs. The work is intense and it leads into ungodly late hours. It's a song that they keep disagreeing on and so the process drags on way too long. In the end, exhaustion takes its toll on everyone and when Reita falls asleep in the armchair, they call it off. Kai finds a taxi for them and then asks Uruha if he's going with them too. As if there's any other option... as if it's just normal if he stayed... Uruha is so stunned by the question that he just looks at Aoi wordlessly.

It's in this moment, deep into the night, when he glimpses in Aoi's eyes what he has seen only in his dreams. That look from that morning – the last time they were alone – and there's suddenly a sense of stupid hope blooming in Uruha's chest. They're too tired to pretend or put up any defenses.

It's then when he sees in Aoi's eyes, which turn to him for a second, the admission. The admission that anything whatsoever happened between them and that Aoi remembers. And it's also the moment when Uruha realizes: the things he's trying so hard to deny are still in there, plain and obvious.

He can't stay; he needs to leave, and quickly. Because if he stays, he'll do something very stupid.

"Yea.. yeah, of course. I'm going with you." He nods to Kai and turns back to collect his things. Aoi silently walks away into the kitchen to put the empty bottles in the trash.

They don't even say goodbye.

 

******

 

Instead of dreams, his nights are mostly sleepless now because whenever he remembers that look, it drives his imagination crazy. His heart's beating faster, his breathing hitches and Uruha finds himself screaming into the pillows with rage. He's a horrible monster and a homewrecker. It seems like he always wants the things he can't have.

 

******

 

The material is successfully recorded, and the only thing left is the long meticulous process of tracking and mastering. But that's just necessary work and Uruha feels satisfaction regardless, because despite all the usual problems, they managed to create another piece of the puzzle that is the GazettE.

All of them go out to celebrate again, and Uruha feels a strong sense of déjà vu creeping into his mind. It's them and some of the staff, so their group is bigger than the last time. The atmosphere is entirely different too. Whenever he looks at Aoi now, he is met with a pair of dark, thoughtful eyes. It's like on stage where they don't need words to communicate and they just know what is happening in each other's minds.

Something has changed, he can feel it. As if Aoi had let go of something that was holding him back until now, some grudge or a fear.. Uruha can't even guess, but he can feel the thrill of it blooming in his belly and rising up to his chest.

They haven't texted or talked properly since that night at Aoi's, where some kind of unspoken admission passed between them. There was too much work to be done and barely any time to even sleep, let alone indulge in personal matters. But it's obvious neither of them could let that spark go.

 

Uruha feels Aoi's eyes on him for the rest of the evening; chills run down his spine along with it. He can't help it, and even though he tries to refrain from it, he returns those looks back with just as much heat and expectation. And somehow, in about an hour, as the staff and the band change places around the big table, Aoi ends up sitting next to Uruha.

But everyone suddenly starts cheering and raising their glasses, and that's how Uruha is met with Aoi's dazzling smile directed at him. It causes him to pause and stare for a second, not even bothering to continue clinking his glass with the rest of the people, and grin at Aoi right back.

 

It's not very subtle, the way they leave the party together, but again no one is really going to question it. Well, maybe except Ruki, but he'll leave it for later. And anyway, Uruha is so high on adrenaline and excitement that it's the last thing on his mind.

 

They end up at Aoi's place because it's closer. For a split second, Uruha worries that maybe he imagined it all, read too much into the whole evening. But his doubts are quickly pushed away the moment Aoi presses him against the door and starts kissing him. Uruha's perception is suddenly filled with everything that's Aoi. All that passion and energy is directed at him, all the warmth and scent overwhelming his senses. They're kissing with urgency, as if this is the first time in weeks since they took a breath. It's crazy how fucking good it feels, to be able to touch and feel the real thing instead of his fantasies.

Uruha pulls Aoi in with one hand by the waist, the other buried in that dark hair and deepens their kiss. All of it feels so new too, because they aren't drunk and they're both consciously making the decision to do this. Uruha moans into the kiss and Aoi presses his body even closer. It's so intoxicating that Uruha feels suddenly drunk on it and all of his inhibitions drop like a dead weight.

He almost starts ripping the clothes off of Aoi; he tugs at pants and bites his neck, whispers into his skin how much he wants him. Obviously all of that tension and those wild dreams drove him crazy with want. Uruha didn't even expect to crave his fellow guitarist with such ferocity, but it's happening and he doesn't want to ever stop.

There are also unexpected flashes of memories in Uruha's mind, from that night so long ago already, they're mixing with the present. Uruha feels a sense of pride when he remembers that if he lightly brushes Aoi's nipple, it will make the older man tremble like a leaf. There's so much he can do to him and he intends to do it all.

As soon as they get to the bed, he starts worshipping Aoi's whole being as some kind of deity. All the bare skin and hard edges, he licks and sucks and peppers the freckles with kisses. Aoi's moans are music to his ears and enormous satisfaction to his hunger. It's as if he's been given food for a first time in weeks, that's how good this feels.

They end up fucking like there's no tomorrow. It's messy and wild, with too many bites and strong grips. But it's perfect for both of them, because it's exactly what they wanted for all those weeks, and now they finally met in the middle.

 

Later, when they lay tangled in Aoi's black sheets, a mop of black hair on his chest again and Uruha is about to fall asleep, he thinks that he should have done this way sooner. Why did it take him so many years to see what's been right in front of him this whole time?

He drifts off with a few strands of Aoi's soft hair tangled between his fingers.

 

******

 

It's ridiculous how much he wants to spend every second of every day kissing this man. He never thought he could be addicted to another human being like this. But there is something about the way Aoi puts his hand on the side of Uruha's neck, the way he would lick the corner of his lips or how he nuzzles his nose into Uruha's cheek.

Uruha's never felt like this before in his life. Probably the closest thing to it is playing Tokyo Dome in front of thousands of people. His heart is about to explode and his lungs are barely able to consume any air that is not given by Aoi.

He is so fucked. Because he knows that he can't have this. This is not for him to take. It's just borrowed time and it rips him apart to even think about it. But he still accepts every second of it regardless.

 

When they woke up the next morning, they fucked again. This time it was slow and lazy; Aoi taking his sweet time undoing Uruha so completely that he had to stay in bed for another half an hour before he was able to even move.

Their shared coffee and breakfast contains more kissing and touching than eating and drinking coffee. If it was up to Uruha, he'd never leave and continue doing just this for the rest of the day. Maybe eternity.

But then the phone rings – Aoi's phone – and Uruha feels it like a cold shower. It's Kazuki.

Reality hits him like a train.

 

******

 

Later, when Uruha comes home, he feels like screaming for hours. Instead he collapses on the couch, not even bothering to change clothes or drink something. After a moment he gets up, but only to pick up his acoustic from the corner and curl with it again. He spends the rest of the evening plucking the strings, refusing even one tear to escape him.

Because he has no right to cry.

He has no right to even want anything anymore.

 

******

 

During the next few days there are meetings: about CD jackets, costumes, PV shooting and photoshoots. Uruha tries to avoid Aoi at all costs and refrain from even looking at him. He knows it's probably a pretty shitty way to deal with this, but he can't bring himself to react in any other way. He's hurt, even though he has no right to be. He knows Aoi is probably confused by his behavior, but the last thing he wants now is to explain that to him.

But Aoi isn't just anyone; as Uruha will soon find out, you can't push him away without consequences. And his temper sometimes gets the better of him. That's how he works and it's probably one of the things Uruha adores about him too. He should have expected it to happen like this, he should've been ready for it...

 

******

 

A few days later, Uruha is absentmindedly making dinner when his doorbell suddenly rings. He frowns a little because he's not expecting anyone but goes to get the door anyway.

"Well, good fucking evening." Aoi's voice is cold as ice and Uruha lets him in without protest, even though he instantly feels like running out of that door himself. He's too shocked at the moment to even process properly what's happening and stiffly follows Aoi back into the kitchen.

Aoi instantly helps himself to the wine that is already opened on the counter and gulps half of the glass in one go. Uruha leans on the fridge but doesn't dare to come any closer, in case Aoi feels particularly murderous tonight.

"You know, Uruha, this is just fucking brilliant." Aoi chuckles humorlessly and finally turns to Uruha. "How you manage to destroy everything and everyone in your wake." He shakes his head in disbelief and Uruha frowns. It's as if something finally snaps in him, after all the past days of feeling numb, and fires up that spark of life again.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He barks back and moves to the stove to turn it off.

"Are you seriously asking me that, now? I can't believe your nerve!" Aoi's tone behind Uruha's back is incredulous. "If you want to play the hot and cold game with me, then you don't know me at all." Uruha can almost hear Aoi's teeth grinding.

"I am not." Uruha finally turns around and leans on the counter for support. "I'm not playing any games, Aoi." He tries to temper down his own anger. Because this is not fair, all of this is not fair to either of them.

"The hell you are not! You kiss me and you fuck me and then you act like a kicked puppy because I don't give you all of my attention? But this is really not fucking chess, dammit!" He runs his hand through his hair in exasperation and Uruha swears he's never seen anything more beautiful. Aoi's anger is like a deadly, gorgeous storm. He can't help but admire that despite his own irritation.

 "I am not your fucking dog to come running to whenever you like. I'm fucking tired of it! I'm tired of these maneuvers and unsaid words and broken.. broken everything!" Aoi covers his face with both of his hands and growls. Uruha has to physically stop himself from covering the distance between them and hugging him. He holds onto the counter behind him instead and presses his lips into a thin line.

He can take it, he can do this.. Aoi will yell at him, then leave and go back to Kazuki and everything will be as it was before. They will forget about all of this and call it a mistake. Everything will be fine again.

Except it won't.

"It's you... It's always been you.. dammit." Aoi mumbles and sighs tiredly, then uncovers his face. He leans onto the kitchen island behind him and hangs his head low instead.

Uruha's heart stops.

"You.. you meet someone and they turn your world around." It starts pouring out of him and Uruha feels his body freeze, because this is the last thing he wants to hear. This is not how he wanted things to go at all.

_Shut up, no no no, shut up-...._

"I don't know how it all happened, but all I do know is that one day I looked at you and I knew.. I just knew you're it." Aoi shakes his head and closes his eyes with a frown, still not looking up. "You are the one I'll always want and crave and nothing else will satisfy me. And even though I've tried to deny it over the years, it just so happens that you are a man, and I'm okay with it." He sighs and finally looks up for a brief moment. Uruha is aware of his frozen face and wide eyes.

"I never considered myself to be that way.. to be gay or bi or whatever. But once I finally admitted to myself that there is no curing it, no matter how many women I fuck, I realized it's the same. It feels normal and natural to kiss men.. to date them.. to fuck them. I am not repulsed by it, not even one bit." Aoi holds his gaze and Uruha is unable to look away.

"And I'm not ashamed for any of it." Aoi's voice trembles but he seems determined to finish whatever he wants to say.

"I'm not ashamed for being fucking in love with you for over 10 years." That declaration shatters everything inside of Uruha and he feels like he's suffocating.

"But you are! And that's the fucking problem here, Uruha!" Aoi's voice gains a whole new level of despair and Uruha feels his insides ripping apart.

It's as if Aoi just stabbed him in the chest with those words, that's how much they hurt. There's silence between them after this. Aoi probably expects him to say something, probably for him to deny it, but Uruha can't even move, let alone speak. He's in shock, not only from what's been said but from what he realized he feels. What he's been actually feeling all along.

He's in love with Aoi.

In fact, he's been in love with him for a long time. But he realized it only now because some of those things are exactly what he's been going on all those years. He fucked women, there was a guy or two too, but it wasn't ever enough. Nothing felt as amazing as when he touched Aoi for the first time.

"This is not sustainable, Uruha." Aoi breaks the deafening silence and looks away. He probably accepted already that this is a monologue instead of conversation.

"And I can't.. I just can't do this with you. There's a reason why I never tried to even tell you, let alone to..get you." He pushes away from the island and lets out a heavy breath. "I need something.. someone solid, someone loyal.. someone who will consider me worth their time." He looks up at Uruha again, probably with a last piece of hope that Uruha will tell him 'yes that's me I'm here!'.

But the words weigh down the air in the room with so much truth that Uruha feels like he's choking on it. He knows what Aoi is talking about, he knows himself well in this aspect. He probably can't give Aoi what he needs. But he wants him to be happy, he wants that so much. And he knows the best thing to do is to let him go. No matter how much he feels like he can't breathe without the knowledge that he'll be able to touch Aoi again.

It's probably how things are meant to be. They've been like this for over 10 years after all.

So Uruha stays silent, convinces himself to take one breath after another and to finally look away from Aoi's face. He can do it, he can let him walk away. He can be selfless for once and stop screwing up people's lives.

"Oh, fuck you too, Uruha!" Aoi spits in disgust and storms to the front door. Uruha hears the echo of the loud bang when it closes and it shatters his heart to pieces.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT ON THIS FIC!!! ♥ It was really amazing experience to post in this fandom again and have feedback!  
> I didn't expect this to even have any kudos but I'm so glad you guys like it!  
> I'm thinking about writing a direct continuation of the ending in a oneshot but we'll see how that goes XD
> 
> HUGE thanks to my beta and partner in crime Jess ♥

 

 

The next few days feel as if Uruha is walking through a fog. Everything seems blurry and unfocused, not really there and kind of unimportant. He does all of his work on autopilot; he's done these things already a hundred times even though each is different. But he can't bring himself to care this time.

Ruki is annoyed at first. But soon enough, he's pissed as only he can be. He calls Uruha out of the room and snaps him out of it with a few sharp jabs and guilt trips. It helps him to regain some composure and he's grateful for it anyway. He can't blame Ruki for wanting the band to work.

He tries to focus on the work and only the work. Nothing else matters now, only their music and concept and that's all. Uruha drowns in it until he can't feel or hear or see anything else. Definitely not Aoi and the icy cold that emanates from him.

 

******

 

The tracking and the stress are taking their toll on their vocalist. Eventually he falls asleep at 3AM on the couch in their studio. Uruha takes pity on him and covers him with his own jacket. Everyone else went to take a break and Reita went home half an hour ago, because he's been sick for the past week. Uruha gets up to go buy some coffee and a snack from the vending machine down the hall.

He yawns and takes his time walking down there while fishing some change from his pocket. But hushed voices make him stop in his tracks before he rounds the corner. He freezes and his heart picks up, he knows both of them. It's Aoi and Kazuki. And from the sound of it they're fighting but trying to keep it down.

"I've been trying to reach you for days, Aoi, what the f-"

"You know well I have work!" Annoyed.

"Yea, I work too you know, but I still manage to call you at least!"

"Well, I am not you. My work is important to me." He sounds defensive, it's off.

"Are you kidding me? Are you implying mine is not?" Aoi's exasperated sigh follows.

"Kaz, let's not do this now-" Aoi sounds really tired and Uruha guesses he hasn't slept properly for days.

"No, I had enough of your excuses already! I want to know what's happening with you lately! Is there someone else?" Kazuki's voice starts gaining volume and distress.

"Kazuki-" Another sigh.

"You don't pick up my calls, you don't reply to my texts for hours and most of all I haven't even seen you for weeks! I don't know about you but I want my boyfriend-"

"-not in here."

"-no, _in here_! You are my boyfriend and I want you back!"

A few beats of silence.

"Well, maybe I don't want to come back." Aoi's tone is not even cold, it's dead. And Uruha knows it's because he's letting someone down and he feels absolutely horrible for it, but he won't show it because it's the only way to do it.

"You're not serious.." A tremble in Kazuki's voice. "This is it? This is really it?" There is only silence in response, and Uruha can almost see in his mind the stone cold expression on Aoi's face.

"Okay. Okay, then. Don't... don't call me." Kazuki is obviously holding back tears, and Uruha can hear his quick retreating steps down the other hallway. He knows Aoi won't call him, he can guess pretty well why all of this is happening and he knows it's all because of him. Uruha can hear Aoi's previous words to him ringing in his ears, and it rips his already torn heart to even smaller pieces.

Uruha destroyed even this chance at happiness for Aoi. He's a horrible monster.

 

******

 

Everything since that night in the studio has started to go downhill. Aoi is not talking to anyone; he only works on the things he's supposed to and then leaves. He's distancing himself from the whole band, and it's creating a very uncomfortable atmosphere.

Of course, no one except Ruki knows what happened in that hallway. Uruha couldn't bring himself to tell anyone else, and the vocalist almost literally clawed it out of him when Uruha came back into the room. Honestly, bless the small man for trying so damn hard to keep this band together and caring about everyone way too much. Since Uruha is unable to cope with pretty much anything now, Ruki was the one to tell everyone discreetly the next day to give Aoi some space. He didn't even tell the rest of the guys what happened; Ruki protects his closest people like a lioness.

And of course there is Reita, who always notices when Uruha is out of it and something's going on. He approached him after one meeting and outright asked him what's wrong, but Uruha couldn't bring himself to tell him; Reita has enough on his plate right now and he doesn't need Uruha's shit to pile on top of it. So, he just hugged his best friend and promised to tell him some time later.

It's pretty shitty, the way Uruha acts with them all, and he knows it but he's only human after all. And sometimes, he's just not strong enough to deal with so much guilt and pressure. He feels hollowed out. It's like everything that he heard that night between Aoi and Kazuki just ripped all his insides out, and now there is only a shell of a human left.

There are things he should feel: the selfish part of him could be happy Aoi broke it off, the compassionate part should feel devastated for both of them and try to offer some consolation, and the selfless part should maybe try to help the couple get back together. He should probably be doing a lot of other, better things than just existing and working... but the only thing he's able to do these days is get back from work and sit on the couch, drink any alcohol he can find at home and play guitar. He's just useless, Aoi was right; everything he touches, he destroys. So he should just keep his hands off of everything.

 

******

 

Time runs faster than Uruha can comprehend, especially since he's just a bystander to all the things happening around him. He's physically present at all the photoshoots and PV shooting, the magazine features and interviews. The release of the album also comes up way faster than he expects and before he knows it, they're doing rehearsals and preparing for a tour.

Three months flew by in a blink of an eye.

And in all that time, he hasn't talked to Aoi outside of work, not even a word. And maybe it's for the best. Uruha is probably the last person Aoi wants to see now and he's willing to give him all the time in the world to heal. Even though the band is not yet in shreds, and Aoi has slowly started talking to everyone else, it will take a lot more time for the two of them to have at least some kind of civil relationship.

They consult on guitar sounds and they practice together, but the strain in their communication is obvious and Uruha won't push it. Aoi has every right to be mad at him for so many reasons, and maybe in the future, he'll be able to finally move on and finally find happiness for himself. Uruha really hopes so. Because he can't bear the weight of the possibility that he could be responsible for Aoi's life to remain empty.

 

******

 

Playing lives is what finally wakes up Uruha back to life.

It sounds cheesy but it's the truth: seeing all the faces of their fans, their smiles and tears and enthusiasm. And love – all the damn pure love. It somehow manages to mend his soul and kick all the emotions back into his heart. It's when he stands on stage that he feels everything again; nothing can compare to these moments of joy, excitement and sorrow. This is the reason he's alive. He knows it and he appreciates it more than anything in the world.

He looks over to the other side of the stage, and there he is: his other half, the mirror of his existence in this band. He wishes it would be like this, just like this, forever.

Uruha suddenly realizes that if he loses him now, he might lose him for good. And that scares him to death.

 

******

 

Uruha knows that he can't run away from it forever, he can't outrun his own feelings. He needs to face them sooner or later, just like he has to finally face Aoi.

The problem is that he's really afraid because he has no idea what the outcome will be. He has no illusions that he can fix their friendship just like that, but he needs to try to mend at least some of that rift between them. And even if he finally lays out his deeper affections too... it might be too late.

Actually, Uruha is quite sure he missed his chance years ago. But he'll try anyway.

 

******

 

The first leg of the tour is over and they have a few days off. Uruha knows this is his chance to sort things out with Aoi. If he doesn't do it now, he won't do it at all and that would mean the end of everything.

 _"We need to talk."_ He messages Aoi almost first thing in the morning.

But the reply never comes, and in the evening Uruha just gathers his courage, drinks one glass of whiskey with it, and gets out of the house. He can't solve this with fear; there's been enough of that on his part. He was right, that night when he watched Aoi fall asleep in his arms, he should have done this already, so much sooner.

It's getting dark and there are heavy clouds looming over the horizon – it's going to rain, it's in the air. Uruha considers catching a taxi but decides against it because traffic right now would be a bitch. Besides, he knows the way to Aoi's place by heart and a bit of a walk to clear his head will do him good.

It takes him an hour to get there. He briefly considers buying him some present but decides against it; this is not a social call. He looks nervously at his phone for the last time; still no messages, so he pockets it again and rings the apartment buzzer. It'd be pretty stupid if Aoi was out.

There is no response, even after the fifth ring. It starts raining and Uruha looks up at Aoi's window; it's dark and that means he's probably really out. Well, this is just Uruha's luck.

 

******

 

He ends up sitting on the doorstep for an hour, debating his life choices while the rain is soaking him through. But he can't leave, he's a stubborn bitch and he will stay right here until Aoi comes back, even if it means waiting all night.

"What the hell are you doing here?" A deep voice wakes him up from his miserable thoughts and he looks up at the source of it. It's Aoi, holding an umbrella, and his face expression is unreadable.

"I texted you, you didn't reply." Uruha is in a bit of a shock from the cold and the rain. Aoi looks at him for a moment before he just sighs and proceeds to open the door.

"Just get inside or you're gonna get sick." He sounds resigned, and Uruha takes every victory he can.

Inside Aoi's apartment, they move around in silence while wet shoes and clothes are put on hangers and Uruha gets tea and a towel.

"So what is it you wanna talk about?" Aoi asks once they're sitting on the couch, a safe distance between them, and Uruha finishes drying his hair with the towel. He really admires the way Aoi manages to keep his calm, and even more so the fact that he's really giving Uruha a chance to talk to him.

It's not easy to start; it's really not easy to somehow convey in words all the things Uruha's been thinking about these few past months or even years. But Aoi deserves this, and even if Uruha is met with anger or rejection, he will tell him everything.

"I'm not ashamed.," he finally says, "of you or of us." Uruha starts with the thing he feels like Aoi needs to know most of all. "I'm afraid," he sighs, still looking down at the crumpled towel in his hands.

"You said it pretty well. I'm not reliable or sustainable. You’ve known me for a long time after all. I forget about the world when I bury myself in work. I don't call as often as I should, I don't socialize like you do... basically – I'm a weirdo." Uruha huffs and feels his chest constricting, "And I can't offer you the stability you need... I know all of these things," he sighs again and finally looks up.

"But the thing is... even despite all of that... I can't stop thinking about you. I keep remembering what it felt like to touch you, to kiss you, to-..." Uruha exhales a shuddering breath, "...I realized I won't find anyone like you." He finally admits it out loud and it feels so scary, yet amazing.

"So... is it just the sex that you want?" Aoi's face and tone are guarded, and Uruha realizes he's saying it all wrong after all. He panics for second and quickly tries to find some better way to express himself. He can't hurt Aoi again; not even for a second.

"No, _no_ , Aoi...it's _you_ – your passion, your gentleness and your fierce energy!" Uruha leans forward, his heart beating million miles a second. "You are my counterpart, Aoi, and I _cannot_ exist without you." He stresses the last words with so much emotion, it surprises even him.

"That's the truth." He feels himself shaking, "I'm a selfish bastard and just the idea of losing you makes me want to stop breathing." And he really needs to close his eyes and take a breath for a minute, still clutching the fluffy fabric in his hand and crumpling it with frustration.

"I'm not as cold as you may think, Aoi. I do have feelings... It just took me a while to stop denying them." Uruha opens his eyes and looks right into Aoi's dark ones that are watching him with the intensity of a hawk. He feels as if they are stripping down every layer of him, baring his soul and heart open for Aoi to inspect. But for the first time in so many years, he finally feels as if he has nothing to hide and wishes for Aoi to see him for who he really is.

"You always need your own time, don't you?" A slow smile starts tugging at the corner of Aoi's full lips. And Uruha feels like a weight has suddenly been dropped from his chest; he's so light he could fly.

"Yeah, yeah I do I guess." Uruha laughs shakily, "I'm so sorry it took me so long to figure out such a simple thing." He tries in vain to calm down his heart.

"No. No, it's not simple. It's never simple, but I'm really glad you eventually did." Aoi's voice is serious but his smile slowly gains its full potential and manages to melt the last remnants of frost in Uruha. He feels so much hope bubbling inside of him and it's threatening to overflow. He's sure he's smiling like a moron.

"Come here." Aoi mumbles and frees Uruha's hand still clutching the towel. He pulls him close, leaning their foreheads together. Aoi looks utterly charmed, and that little smile is not leaving his lips.

"We've come a very long way, you and I, and I have no illusions that from now on it'll all be perfect. I am still me and you are you. There is no such thing as perfection. But I do think we match in some weird way, we create a unique harmony. We've been dancing around each other for way too long. And it seems that neither of us can escape it so we might as well run with it.." He caresses Uruha's cheek gently, and Uruha has to close his eyes for a second; it feels like getting a drug after months of abstinence. He's absolutely high on their closeness, the scent of rain lingering on them and binding them together.

"I love you." It escapes Uruha's parted lips in a whisper without his control. He opens his eyes, his chest heaving with painful breaths and he still feels so scared, even though everything has been laid out in the open between them. A happy sound escapes Aoi's throat, and before Uruha knows it he's being kissed. It's so gentle and loving, Aoi's thumb caressing his jaw and soft lips slowly playing with his own.

"I got that, yeah." Aoi mumbles when they part and smirks. Uruha gasps in disbelief. In a moment like this, Aoi has to be a little shit. But again, it wouldn't be him if he wasn't.

"Oh, shut up and kiss me." He laughs and tugs Aoi by the neckline of his sweatshirt to finally kiss him the way he has wanted to for so long.

 

******

 

**2017, 1st of May**

 

"Where the fuck are my sunglasses, Kou?!" An exasperated voice yells from the bedroom.

"How should I know?" Uruha yells back from the kitchen where he's packing food for the road and throwing away the rest that can go bad in their absence.

"Shit, found them, they were in the wrong drawer." Aoi comes out of the bedroom putting the said sunglasses on his head with one hand and carrying his suitcase in the other to the door. Uruha zips up the bag, closes the coolerwith their drinks, and also heads to the door to put it next to his own suitcase.

"Are we all set? Do you have the voucher and everything else?" Aoi already has his shoes on and is fixing his hat in the mirror.

"Don't worry, I have all of it. You just worry about the road." Uruha appears in the mirror behind Aoi and leans his chin on the broad shoulder in front of him. Their gazes meet in the mirror and they both smile. Uruha sneaks his arms around Aoi's waist and chuckles happily.

"Yuu, I still can't swim for shit. I'm hopeless!" Uruha whines and Aoi laughs, caressing his boyfriend's forearms lovingly.

"I'm gonna teach you, it's never too late." Aoi turns his head and pecks Uruha's cheek. "Who knows, maybe by the end of these two weeks we'll be even surfing together!" They both start laughing and disentangle from each other so they can finally grab all their stuff and leave. This trip to Shima has been long overdue, and they plan on making the most of it.

 

 

 


End file.
